Grief is a profoundly personal experience, yet it is something that connects us all. When I was faced with the loss of my mom, I found myself grappling with emotions and thoughts I hadn’t anticipated.
In hindsight, there are several things I wish I had known about grief that could have made my journey a bit easier to navigate. Today I am sharing what I’ve learned with you.
Grief is messy
The first lesson for me was how messy grief actually is. Grief is not linear. Experts say that there are five stages of grief. I expected a clear progression through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—but instead found myself cycling through these emotions unpredictably. In my experience, you do not go through these stages in order, nor do you go through them only once. It’s crucial to realize that there is no timetable for grief, so give yourself some grace. It’s perfectly normal to feel like you are making progress, only to experience a setback. In my book Beautiful Mourning I compare grief to waves in the ocean. Like Mother Nature itself, grief is often unpredictable.
There is no “right” way to grieve
The second lesson I learned is that everyone experiences grief differently. There is no “right” way to grieve. Some people choose to be around others in order to feel comforted, while others may choose to be alone. Yes, some coping mechanisms are healthier than others, but everyone has the right to grieve in his or her own way. Understanding and accepting that everyone’s process is unique can help alleviate some of the pressure and judgment we place on ourselves and others.
Self-care is essential
Another important lesson I learned is that self-care is essential. In the midst of grief, taking care of oneself can seem trivial or even impossible. I know that I had an extremely difficult time putting myself first after I lost my mom. It felt like a selfish thing to do. However, I wish I had known earlier how crucial self-care is during this time.
Simple acts like eating well, getting enough sleep, and allowing myself moments of rest played a significant role in my healing. Prioritizing self-care is something that your loved one would want you to do. By taking care of yourself, you are honoring your loved one in a meaningful way.
By taking care of yourself, you are honoring your loved one in a meaningful way.
Support comes in all forms
The last nugget of wisdom that I would like to leave you with is this. Support comes in all forms, and it is perfectly acceptable to ask for help or to seek professional guidance.
At first, I felt overwhelmed by the well-meaning but often unhelpful advice from friends and family. Over time, I discovered that support doesn’t always come in the form of grand gestures or profound insights. Sometimes, it’s in the quiet presence of someone who simply listens, or in the small acts of kindness that show others care.
Grief can sometimes lead to complex emotions that are difficult to manage alone. I hesitated to seek professional help, thinking it would imply I wasn’t coping well. However, speaking with a therapist or counselor can provide invaluable tools and perspectives to help process grief. There is no shame in seeking help; in fact, it can be a vital part of the healing process.
Speaking of support, I truly hope this article has offered you even a small measure of comfort. If you’d like to explore more of what I discovered along my own grief journey, I invite you to read my book, Beautiful Mourning. Grief is undeniably painful, but it is also one of the deepest expressions of love.
