A while back, I went to see Lucinda Williams in concert. I just have never seen anyone this cool on stage. She’s up there in all her unapologetic glory, singing one of my all-time favorite songs, Joy, the song this article borrows its title from. Then, like the brilliant lyricist she is, she starts naming places she’s going to look for her joy… Slidell, West Memphis… like she’s packing a suitcase for a cross-country manhunt! She’s heartbroken, furious and laser-focused on tracking down the thief who stole her joy.

And every time I hear this song (besides always turning it way, way up), I also think… yep, that’s us. We lose our joy and immediately start hunting for it in all the wrong places. The new job. The new partner. The magical when-then trap: the “once-this-happens-I’ll-be-happy” moment.

Spoiler alert: joy is not “out there,” and you can’t GPS it. Even on your worst day, it’s still with you — maybe buried under doubt, fear, or worry — but it’s there and it’s yours. No one can take it from you or give it back… no one but you.

Joy is not “out there,” and you can’t GPS it.

That’s the trap Lucinda is caught in during Joy… looking for it out there. But there is no Apple Tag on your joy. We all do it, though, thinking if we just get the job, the relationship, the apology, the thing, then we’ll be happy. But joy isn’t hanging out in West Memphis waiting for us to show up. It’s inside.

The big shift

The day I really got this… like really got it… my whole life changed. I stopped waiting for other people to fix things for me. I stopped blaming circumstances. I stopped waiting for the perfect moment. I stopped trying to educate people on how to treat me and became an expert on how I needed to treat me. I took 100% responsibility for my life.

That doesn’t mean you can control everything that happens to you. You can’t. Bad things happen. People can be cruel. Jobs and outside circumstances can drain your soul (what’s up, Covid?). But you are responsible for your healing. That part is on you. It’s how you become you.

I learned this early in my therapy practice. The clients who committed, who invested in the process, who actually did the work outside of our sessions, those were the ones who got better. The ones who waited for magic to happen while doing nothing? Or worse, spent their time defending why they are offended and attempting to “educate” everyone around them on how to treat them because of unhealed wounds? They usually leave with the same baggage they came in with… they stay stuck.

Maybe you’re not supposed to “fix” it

Sometimes we try over and over to “resolve” something like a broken relationship, or a career we hate and no matter what we do, it won’t budge. What if… you’re not supposed to fix it?

What if you’re being divinely protected from something you can’t yet see? That estranged family member you’ve tried to reconcile with a hundred times? That job you didn’t get? Maybe the Universe is saying no for your own good. I mean, what do we know about the divine process?

The moment is now

We get so caught up in the “someday” problem… when I have more money, when the kids are older, when I feel ready. But nothing has ever happened in the past or the future. Everything happens right now. This moment. And this one. And this one… they keep coming…

So who are you going to be in this moment? The victim, or the one who makes a decision? To take responsibility and control what you can… so you can heal… live out your karmic path and be better so you can do better?

You are the master and commander

You are 100% responsible for your life. Once you own that, it’s magic. You start feeling motivated. Empowered. Capable of anything.

I used to be miserable. I was constantly sick, mad at the world, snapping at people for sport. Taking responsibility didn’t fix me overnight, but it put me on a mission to become better. And I haven’t looked back.

If you’re ready to stop looking for your joy in all the wrong places and start finding it inside yourself, come on retreat with me. Twice a year, I host these gorgeous, transformative getaways—one in the Georgia Mountains each Fall, and one on dreamy Jekyll Island in the Spring. We meditate, we do yoga, we eat the most amazing food, and you leave with a practice that sticks. And trust me… it changes everything.